Monday, June 11, 2012

blossom

Cherry Blossom #1, Flora
I've been thinking a lot about dormancy lately...maybe because I'm acting as a cocoon for this little human being inside me (the one squirming and kicking right now). But I know it started before that. It was part of why I revamped and restarted a blog a year and a half ago...this feeling that I'm not quite living up to my potential, that I can do better.

I don't think that's a bad feeling...without it I wouldn't try new things or work on bad habits or put effort into anything, and so on. But I'm challenged by not knowing what my true potential is, as opposed to things that are realistically out of reach. I am frustrated that I let myself down because I know I need to put time into something I want to accomplish, but I decide to watch a movie or something instead. I'm confused by the choices between dreams and responsibilities. All of this makes me feel overwhelmed, so I shut down and veg out and do nothing: I go dormant.

I've let myself down a lot, but then I'm never sure if I'm just being too hard on myself...it all comes down to fear, I think. I fear failure, I fear disappointing loved ones, I fear complacency, and I fear regret.

Fear has put me into a state of dormancy mentally. Hustling to survive in the city has put me into a state of dormancy creatively. Pregnancy has put me into a state of dormancy physically. Scott thinks motherhood is going to make me blossom...I think he may be right...

Amy Wing Designs


6 comments:

Petra said...

ineresting thoughts. i hear you and agree with EVERYTHING. especially finding your true potential or calling. people always say once you find that everything else will fall into place. but I never seem to manage to get there. I'm close, but the not really getting there is stressing me out and often it feels like I'm wasting time. and yes, often I get dormant too.

maybe becoming a mother will open your eyes. or maybe this search will become all of a sudden irrelevant...

xxx

sara mansfield said...

Petra, thx for reading. It's weird to constantly feel like something is just around the corner...but you can never seem to turn that corner.

And I think you're absolutely right about irrelevance.

Sam said...

I think you're experiencing feelings that most women experience being pregnant with their first child. You are giving up a little of yourself to nurture another human being and that lets the "what if's" to start floating around. Just remember, there is nothing more important than being a mother and YOU will be an amazing one, this lucky child! Sending hugs your way......

sara mansfield said...

Thanks, Sam. Like I said, I've been having these feelings for a long time...years in fact. Now I just have a different perspective, a different focus...new and exciting information to add to the mix.

Andrea Mansfield said...

Hi Sister-

First I want to give you a huge hug! I think as an intelligent, emotionally aware woman these feelings are totally normal. I forget that I am not the only one who has experienced this sense of just never quite...getting...there. (I mean, how many business did I open??)

Sometimes it is just too much pressure, sometimes I think everyone around me has found the magic but me, and sometimes I know the only one standing in my way is me.

I don't have any secrets except someone presented this question to me (well a few people have) over the past few months that took me by surprise: What would you do if you knew you could not fail? Listen to what thoughts present themselves first.

I love you!
Andrea

Quick side note:
I have looked up to you since I was 14, you were the woman, sister, in my life that always seemed to have the answers, and calmly went the direction of who she was. I could not be happier for you as you embark on this very new journey. I wish I could give you a huge pre-birth hug but know I think of you everyday! I love you and am honored to be part of your life and to be an Auntie who takes her job very seriously :)

sara mansfield said...

Andrea, isn't it funny...the difference between how you see yourself and how others see you? Thank you for your sweet words. You're going to be such a good Auntie...you already are! We'll all make it through this year of change together :)